297, 298, 299...

I saw Frank Miller's "300" tonight. It was only given ONE star in the paper but since I loved his "Sin City" so much, I wanted to give this movie a chance - and a good thing I did! The film was visually stunning and it made me want to run up to someone at full speed and spear then in the eye. That should at least be worth THREE stars, no?

Gerard Butler pulls off an amazing Spartan king. I think we should all strive to be Spartan kings. In fact, I am currently googling some community colleges to see if I can register for any spring classes to help me achieve such a goal. I may have missed the deadline. If nothing else, I have made a short list of a few simple things I need to accomplish in the next few months to become a Spartan king:

1. Practice spearing people in the eye in my back garden once the weather gets a bit warmer.

2. Drop by Primark on the weekend to update my loins collection.

3. Do a few more crunches every night before bed - like maybe 678 billion more.

4. Deepen voice so when shouting "WOO-RAH" in a crowd I don't stand out.

5. Fake and bake.

6. Improve pain tolerance by 500%.

7. Grow a beard.

8. Protect the Spartan to my left from thigh to neck.

9. End of list.

Hopefully I will be able to accomplish these few tasks by Easter. Until then, enjoy your breakfast, for tonight we dine in hell.